A Visit [for Thalia]

[lightningthief]

I'm nervous.

Things don't often make me nervous. I've fought a dragon, stolen Zeus's Master Bolt, barked orders at monsters, had the heavens fall down on top of me...a lot. And for the most part, I don't get too nervous. I'm not one to dither around unsure of myself.

But walking up to Thalia's door has me tensing up and wanting to just cut and run.

I shouldn't be here. In fact, she could lay into me for going back on my promise. I told her I'd leave all of them alone and stay out of their way. But I can't. Not anymore. Every single day on Tabula Rasa has been more or less gut-wrenching. I've been stolen from my last moments before the doom of myself and the doom of everything to stand around and see my former friends living here on this island. Granted, my friendship with Percy had been pretty much all a lie, but Thalia and Annabeth were my family. I told my dad they were my family. On the island, I've never admitted to anyone about all the sleepless nights, about all the soul-searching, about the constant anguish, about all the longing to go back to the good old days and forget the titans and gods.

But if I can't forgive myself, how could I possibly ask anyone else to?

But yet, here I am, about to ask Thalia Grace if that's just what she wants to do. After trying to kill each other, and me about to destroy the pantheon and world, why not ask my old friend, the one with the temper, the one who told me I broke her heart, while I am completely unarmed, to just kick back and have some laughs. This is stupid. This is so very, very stupid. But I'm at the door. Gods and titans, satyrs and nymphs, I am at her door.

There's this split-second moment where I've got to choose: knock and nearly count on making things worse, or run like Hades. Like mom always said, I'm the one headed straight towards Doom with a capital D, so I find myself knocking. I nervously swap the bag I'm carrying into my other hand as I wait to see if she shoots first and asks questions later.

Comments

[findherwayback]

Things were getting better. Having one's world sort of rocked by the stakes changing mid-game (again) wasn't the sort of thing that she could wake up the next morning and be over. But Thalia was a warrior, a daughter of Zeus and no matter how many times things changed she wasn't about to sit around and lock herself away forever. Though she had to admit that sometimes it was tempting.

She had spent her time shrugging around the rest of the island population. Long treks towards dino territory and back, hanging out after dark, that sort of thing. Swinging the door of her trailer open, she looked more put together than she has in days. Hair braided, wearing cut-offs and a tank top she had just been messing about when she had heard the knock.

Seeing Luke standing there caught her a little off-guard. "Hi," she said a mix of confusion and surprise on her face. "What are you doing here?"

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

Good so far. I hold out the bag.

"I've got a bag full of peanut butter sandwiches, corn flakes, and orange juice."

Gods, I hope I'm not looking like a lost puppy on her doorstep. Here I am, Warlord of the Titans, Champion of Kronos, and I'm holding out a bag of kid food. I hope she still likes this stuff like she used to.

"..can I come in?"

[findherwayback]

The bag was a temptation. A good one at that, but Thalia had done her homework, knew the stories of how well giving into these things went. It just made her think of Persephone pretty much stuck in a grumpy mood because she'd given in.

Still she was hungry. Part of the whole avoiding people thing meant that she had avoided food for the most part as well. The kitchen was a prime spot to run into people she didn't really want to see. Swallowing hard she scanned the clearing, not certain quite what she was looking for before she nodded and stepped aside.

"Yeah. You can come in."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

Wow, she said yes, just like that.

I'm not going to waste any time accepting or make her question this any further. I walk in and take a look around me. So this is where Thalia lives.

"Not a bad place you've got here. Really far from everything, but not bad."

I always wondered why she lived so far away from everyone. I know she wouldn't want to be in the middle of people, but going out to the Compound from here's gotta be a pain.

[findherwayback]

There was a definite messiness to the trailer. Books were piled on chairs around the tiny table, clothes were in piles. The only real organisation came from the state of the weaponry. Everything had its place, ready to be grabbed at a moments notice.

Thalia briefly considered apologising for the mess, but decided against it. She hadn't been in the mood to clean lately, had gotten used to the idea that very few people saw inside. Leaning against a cabinet, she shrugged. "Yeah. I like it. I'm sort of glad that I was allowed to have it," she said. Not that she had given them much of a choice since she had already moved in when she asked. "I don't mind being out here. It's nice and quiet."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

I find a place to sit and make myself comfortable. As comfortable as I can, anyway. It's kind of weird pretending everything's okay between us. It's almost too easy.

"Haven't seen you around anywhere lately."

Hopefully that doesn't sounds like I've been spying on her. I'd call it keeping tabs, or something less adversarial. I open the bag and get out the sandwiches, then offer up one to Thalia.

[findherwayback]

Things were definitely not okay. Thalia wan't entirely certain that they ever really would be. But she wasn't exactly in the mood to fight, had let him in and if things got weird or violent then she could literally show him the door.

Shrugging again, she absently picked at a scab on her forearm. "I've been around, just...busy. Sort of. Things got weird for a while, but I'm fine." She can't blame him for noticing. If she had been in the headspace she'd probably have kept tabs too. A good leader always knows where things are.

Staring at the sandwich for a moment, she hesistated before taking it. She was too hungry to really refuse.

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

Waiting that extra moment before she took the sandwich was hard. I know she likes peanut butter. We ate a ton of this stuff together. It's the fact that it's a peanut butter sandwich from me. The betrayer.

"Yeah, you're always fine. You could be on fire and you'd say the same thing. Here's the other stuff. Dig in."

I give the bag a small toss over toward her. Then I can't help blurting out a question.

"Is it me? The war?"

[findherwayback]

Her life had never been what any sane person would call simple, but now Thalia was fairly certain that things had become even more complicated. It was enough to drive her crazy, which was probably why she had spent much the past few months avoiding people in general. It was just easier that way.

Grabbing the bag out of the air, she examined the contents of it while she took a bite out of the sandwich. Chewing as she rolled her eyes before swallowing so that she could answer. "No. It has actually nothing to do with you or the war or anything like that," she said, knowing that she was always fine. Fine was good. Very good. "It's...complicated. In the worst sort of mortal way."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

That was sort of a relief. I don't want me just existing be something she can't live with.

"Wow, look at you livin' the mortal life. Car insurance premiums got you down?"

There's a slight bit of amusement in my look, but it fades. We used to be able to joke around with each other. I can't help doing it a little. But actually, it's about as close as I think I can get to asking her what it is.

[findherwayback]

Her answer was a look that was skeptically amused at best. It was a lame joke and she didn't know if she was quite willing to give it a laugh.

So instead she settled for the easier alternative. "That was awful. You need a humor infusion, stat," she said, rolling her eyes in a mildly good-natured sort of way. "No, no, this is more of afterschool special-meets-trashy teen drama sort of mortality. Which is way worse."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

"Everyone gets caught up in drama now and then. It's not like half-bloods are immune to it somehow. You wouldn't believe all the things I had to sort out at camp."

But, of course, I trail off there. Camp.

"I guess the drama level's a bit sub-zero among the Hunters, right?"

[findherwayback]

"I wish I could've seen it. Instead of just getting the drift from the amount of overly emotional teenagers who came storming up to my tree," Thalia said with a small knowing nod. Those years as a tree had been like being a dream, with only her thoughts and a few strong feelings to keep her company. The rest had felt unreal, as if she had never been a girl at all.

"Kind of. It's just a bunch of girls who just get giddy or upset and then giggle about it. It definitely isn't this kind of drama. At all, mainly because this sort of drama gets you booted from the hunters."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

When she says that, I immediately zero in on what she could be talking about. Thalia refused to join the Hunters originally. Because of me. She didn't want to leave me. From then on, even though we never talked about it, I always thought of her as 'my girl.' I thought that maybe if we had lived and grew up a bit more...but then she was gone.

And now to tell me she might've done 'that' with someone else?

"Did... did what I think happened happen?"

Is Thalia in love with someone? Why not? She should love someone, shouldn't she? I wanted them all to have a life here, didn't I?

I hate this place. I wish I could tear down this world as well when Kronos takes me.

[findherwayback]

Her mouth was full when he asked that question and for a moment Thalia was more than willing to just focus on eating her sandwich. It was good, she would give him that. The entire thing reminded her of being a kid, of what she had liked and how she still couldn't make much else.

Swallowing, she shrugged lifting her head and staring at him. "I don't love him, just so you know."

It was an odd thing to say, but she felt that she should just lay it out there. "It was stupid and not how I'd thought it would go, but if that's the sort of thing you're thinking of then, yeah. It did."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

As I wait for her answer, I take my own bite of sandwich. Then she says she doesn't love him?! While... staring at me? I didn't ask about that. I wouldn't. It's none of my business. Right? But what she said does answer my question too. It suddenly feels like we're sitting a mile apart from each other. It's... uncomfortable, to say the least. I don't reply right away. I slow down chewing to stall, and I turn my head to break off that intense eye contact.

What do I tell her? Congrats? Sorry it turned out stupid? Want me to hack him to pieces for you?

"Guess... guess it's none of my business."

I take another bite. It's not like I came here for anything like... I came here just because I wanted to see her! Because we used to be friends. We used to be family. Until I broke her heart. Did this guy just do that to her too?

"Could you get out the juice? I need something to wash down the peanut butter. And, no, they didn't have cow milk this morning."

Maybe we can finish eating so I can get out of here. This was such a bad idea.

[findherwayback]

Why she started her answer with that, Thalia can't quite understand. It was the truth. She didn't love Chris, barely knew him and the whole thing made her stomach twist. Looking down at the sandwich, she felt sick as if the very idea of eating it was too much to handle. Pushing the remainder back into the bag she set it on a counter for later.

"Probably not," she said quietly before pulling out the juice and handing it to him. Licking her lips, she took a deep breath pushing her hair up and out of her face. She needed to run, need to move and be still all at once. Anything to get her out of her own head.

"Milk is always better for peanut butter anyways." Clearing her throat, she looked out the door, focusing on a tree in the distance. The words that tumbled from her mouth next are said so softly that for a moment she wasn't certain if she had actually spoken aloud. "It should've been you."

A moment passes and then she straightens up, taking another deep breath as if stopping that thought in its tracks before turning back towards him. "Thanks for the food. You didn't have to come here."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

I stop eating as well as she rejects her food. It's betrayer-food. She can't stomach my sandwiches any more than she can stomach me. I can see I'm making her uncomfortable. My visit isn't helping us, like I knew it wouldn't.

Then she says it should've been me. My face is impassive. Just like my first years serving Kronos, I'm emotionally withdrawing. I wish it had been me. I wish I hadn't broken her heart. I wish her father would've actually loved her instead of seeing her as a threat, and maybe she wouldn't have been lost all those years. Can our lives be any more broken? But I'm not going to sit here and cry about it. Thalia and I are stronger than that.

"Wasn't any big deal. And... sorry for barging in. I didn't want to make things harder. You shouldn't have to deal with me on top of everything else."

With that I stand up. I can't stay here any longer or the regret is going to eat a hole right through me from the inside out.

[findherwayback]

Thalia fell still, a habit that she had developed during her time as a tree. She could feel her heartbeating in her chest, knew the thoughts swirling in her head like a thunderstorm, but didn't let anything move her. It was hard to be so unyielding, with each give she gave up feeling like it was going to snap her in two. But she was stronger than that, they both were. She wouldn't cry for Luke and she knew he wouldn't cry for her.

They should've been a lot of things that they weren't. They should've had a chance to grow up.

"It's okay. I've dealt with worst, but you already know that," she said with a shrug, a smirk tugging at her lips. "You won't tell anyone, will you? Things are complicated I know, but..." she stopped staring at him, hoping that she wouldn't have to say the please that had stopped on the edge of her tongue. Hoping that the trust she wanted to give him, even in such a little way wasn't wasted. "The only person who makes things harder for me, is me. So like I said, it is okay."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

"Who am I going to tell?"

It's not like I talk to Percy or Annabeth much. And I'm not the type to gossip.

"I'll go. Just... don't shut yourself away in here for too long, alright?"

I can't stay. Not now. Combat would be less painful.

[findherwayback]

"I dunno. I don't even know why I said but," she paused, shrugging easily as she dismissed the idea that he was going to tell. A lot might've happened, a lot might've changed between them, but she hoped that there was still enough left to keep this.

From what he said, she wasn't going to be wrong. "I promise I won't. I'll be fine. Look, I'm probably better already."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

Better already? Sounds like something she'd say in an attempt to make me not worry. I feel so protective for her. How stupid is that? I'm in no position to do anything for her except make this more difficult for her. I want her to feel better, but I think I've only made things worse. I've just got to get out of here so I can think straight.

"Alright. Maybe I'll come back sometime. I don't know."

"Bye."

I start walking. Maybe it's the ADD, but I've got to move now. Can't just stand still.