A Visit [for Thalia]

[lightningthief]

I'm nervous.

Things don't often make me nervous. I've fought a dragon, stolen Zeus's Master Bolt, barked orders at monsters, had the heavens fall down on top of me...a lot. And for the most part, I don't get too nervous. I'm not one to dither around unsure of myself.

But walking up to Thalia's door has me tensing up and wanting to just cut and run.

I shouldn't be here. In fact, she could lay into me for going back on my promise. I told her I'd leave all of them alone and stay out of their way. But I can't. Not anymore. Every single day on Tabula Rasa has been more or less gut-wrenching. I've been stolen from my last moments before the doom of myself and the doom of everything to stand around and see my former friends living here on this island. Granted, my friendship with Percy had been pretty much all a lie, but Thalia and Annabeth were my family. I told my dad they were my family. On the island, I've never admitted to anyone about all the sleepless nights, about all the soul-searching, about the constant anguish, about all the longing to go back to the good old days and forget the titans and gods.

But if I can't forgive myself, how could I possibly ask anyone else to?

But yet, here I am, about to ask Thalia Grace if that's just what she wants to do. After trying to kill each other, and me about to destroy the pantheon and world, why not ask my old friend, the one with the temper, the one who told me I broke her heart, while I am completely unarmed, to just kick back and have some laughs. This is stupid. This is so very, very stupid. But I'm at the door. Gods and titans, satyrs and nymphs, I am at her door.

There's this split-second moment where I've got to choose: knock and nearly count on making things worse, or run like Hades. Like mom always said, I'm the one headed straight towards Doom with a capital D, so I find myself knocking. I nervously swap the bag I'm carrying into my other hand as I wait to see if she shoots first and asks questions later.

Comments

[findherwayback]

Why she started her answer with that, Thalia can't quite understand. It was the truth. She didn't love Chris, barely knew him and the whole thing made her stomach twist. Looking down at the sandwich, she felt sick as if the very idea of eating it was too much to handle. Pushing the remainder back into the bag she set it on a counter for later.

"Probably not," she said quietly before pulling out the juice and handing it to him. Licking her lips, she took a deep breath pushing her hair up and out of her face. She needed to run, need to move and be still all at once. Anything to get her out of her own head.

"Milk is always better for peanut butter anyways." Clearing her throat, she looked out the door, focusing on a tree in the distance. The words that tumbled from her mouth next are said so softly that for a moment she wasn't certain if she had actually spoken aloud. "It should've been you."

A moment passes and then she straightens up, taking another deep breath as if stopping that thought in its tracks before turning back towards him. "Thanks for the food. You didn't have to come here."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

I stop eating as well as she rejects her food. It's betrayer-food. She can't stomach my sandwiches any more than she can stomach me. I can see I'm making her uncomfortable. My visit isn't helping us, like I knew it wouldn't.

Then she says it should've been me. My face is impassive. Just like my first years serving Kronos, I'm emotionally withdrawing. I wish it had been me. I wish I hadn't broken her heart. I wish her father would've actually loved her instead of seeing her as a threat, and maybe she wouldn't have been lost all those years. Can our lives be any more broken? But I'm not going to sit here and cry about it. Thalia and I are stronger than that.

"Wasn't any big deal. And... sorry for barging in. I didn't want to make things harder. You shouldn't have to deal with me on top of everything else."

With that I stand up. I can't stay here any longer or the regret is going to eat a hole right through me from the inside out.

[findherwayback]

Thalia fell still, a habit that she had developed during her time as a tree. She could feel her heartbeating in her chest, knew the thoughts swirling in her head like a thunderstorm, but didn't let anything move her. It was hard to be so unyielding, with each give she gave up feeling like it was going to snap her in two. But she was stronger than that, they both were. She wouldn't cry for Luke and she knew he wouldn't cry for her.

They should've been a lot of things that they weren't. They should've had a chance to grow up.

"It's okay. I've dealt with worst, but you already know that," she said with a shrug, a smirk tugging at her lips. "You won't tell anyone, will you? Things are complicated I know, but..." she stopped staring at him, hoping that she wouldn't have to say the please that had stopped on the edge of her tongue. Hoping that the trust she wanted to give him, even in such a little way wasn't wasted. "The only person who makes things harder for me, is me. So like I said, it is okay."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

"Who am I going to tell?"

It's not like I talk to Percy or Annabeth much. And I'm not the type to gossip.

"I'll go. Just... don't shut yourself away in here for too long, alright?"

I can't stay. Not now. Combat would be less painful.

[findherwayback]

"I dunno. I don't even know why I said but," she paused, shrugging easily as she dismissed the idea that he was going to tell. A lot might've happened, a lot might've changed between them, but she hoped that there was still enough left to keep this.

From what he said, she wasn't going to be wrong. "I promise I won't. I'll be fine. Look, I'm probably better already."

[luke-castellan.livejournal.com]

Better already? Sounds like something she'd say in an attempt to make me not worry. I feel so protective for her. How stupid is that? I'm in no position to do anything for her except make this more difficult for her. I want her to feel better, but I think I've only made things worse. I've just got to get out of here so I can think straight.

"Alright. Maybe I'll come back sometime. I don't know."

"Bye."

I start walking. Maybe it's the ADD, but I've got to move now. Can't just stand still.