lightningthief: (did Hades just erupt out of that fire)
I'm nervous.

Things don't often make me nervous. I've fought a dragon, stolen Zeus's Master Bolt, barked orders at monsters, had the heavens fall down on top of me...a lot. And for the most part, I don't get too nervous. I'm not one to dither around unsure of myself.

But walking up to Thalia's door has me tensing up and wanting to just cut and run.

I shouldn't be here. In fact, she could lay into me for going back on my promise. I told her I'd leave all of them alone and stay out of their way. But I can't. Not anymore. Every single day on Tabula Rasa has been more or less gut-wrenching. I've been stolen from my last moments before the doom of myself and the doom of everything to stand around and see my former friends living here on this island. Granted, my friendship with Percy had been pretty much all a lie, but Thalia and Annabeth were my family. I told my dad they were my family. On the island, I've never admitted to anyone about all the sleepless nights, about all the soul-searching, about the constant anguish, about all the longing to go back to the good old days and forget the titans and gods.

But if I can't forgive myself, how could I possibly ask anyone else to?

But yet, here I am, about to ask Thalia Grace if that's just what she wants to do. After trying to kill each other, and me about to destroy the pantheon and world, why not ask my old friend, the one with the temper, the one who told me I broke her heart, while I am completely unarmed, to just kick back and have some laughs. This is stupid. This is so very, very stupid. But I'm at the door. Gods and titans, satyrs and nymphs, I am at her door.

There's this split-second moment where I've got to choose: knock and nearly count on making things worse, or run like Hades. Like mom always said, I'm the one headed straight towards Doom with a capital D, so I find myself knocking. I nervously swap the bag I'm carrying into my other hand as I wait to see if she shoots first and asks questions later.

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lightningthief

July 2014

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