lightningthief: (my little giraffe friend)
How many times do I have to tell myself to not think about it?

I know I'm not supposed to think about how Ian's love has been spurned. I know I'm not supposed to think about how quickly and easily Wanderer decided to start messing around with some guy that suddenly popped up out of nowhere. I know I'm not supposed to obsess over how Ian's life could be spent loveless like mine had been.

I mean, my life hasn't been loveless. I've had Aphrodite. For a bit. At the end. I finish my thoughts aloud, "...even though her real love is Hephasteus...."

It's not... my thought's have been circling and circling around crap like this, and it's been making me moody. I know Aprhrodite's noticed. She's way too perceptive on my mood. I've put up a good nothing-is-wrong act, but she's not fooled. If I can just stall her some more, maybe I'll just get over it and we can all move on.

Wanderer certainly has moved on. That's for sure.

I pick up Secretarius, and ask him, "Did Wanderer really love him? Did she love him at all? Does anyone really, really love anyone for real?" I'm alone, sitting on our bed. Secretarius is Aphrodite's stuffed animal, a horse. "Sometimes, Horsie, I really think love is all a crock of shit. You know...horse shit? You know all about that, don't you, Horsie?"

I tip it back as if it was rearing up and have it answer back to me with a "Neiiiigh!"

"See how desperate I am, Horse? I'm talking my troubles out to a dumb stuffed animal like you. It's a start, though, right? You have to help your ol' pal Luke not think about her. Even though she's from a race better than mankind will ever be, she still drops me.. er, him... drops him like a lead weight for some dope she's met for about ten seconds. What do you think about that kind of horse shit, Mr. Horse?"

I make the little thing gallop up my leg and say in a stupid voice, "You suck at love, and every single one of your lives is gonna be cursed, dude! Screw you! Neiiiigh!"

I reply to the little horse in an overly calm voice, "You're right, Horsey. Guess I'll just have to suck it up. Like I always do. I'm not bitter. Luke, son of Hermes, is never, ever bitter."

I have the horse answer back. "You're a fucking liar! Neiiiigh!!!"

"Yes, that's right, Horse. I am a liar. I am a bitter liar. And, you know what bitter liars do when they can't make things go their way? They order miserable little cretins like you to get eaten by their drakon."

"Screw you. You don't have a drakon anymore! Neiiigh!"

"That's right. So, I open this portal to Tartarus, where I cast you in to burn for all eternity in flame. Happy trails, Horsie!"

And, with that, I fling the horse away. It bounces off the ceiling and wall in the corner.
lightningthief: (beaten)
This isn’t funny. My dad Hermes and I had so many great tricks planned for the trick-or-treaters that’d be coming for Halloween, but this is not one of them! Why can’t I find the way back to our house? I fell asleep at home, but woke up in this stupid field on this dumb island, and I’ve been walking around for hours.

I call out for about the hundredth time, “Mom? Dad?”

Mom had been getting ready too. She was going to balance out our tricks with her treats. She can bake cookies now without burning them or the house.

Can’t she?

I fall to my knees. This can’t all have been fake? Can it?

Oh gods! I look around. I can’t see any mist at all. No mist.

“No!” I can hear the desperation in my own voice. I need this to not be happening. My mom and my dad are my entire world now! I can’t live without them! I can’t!

No more hikes in the woods with mom. No more sword practice with dad. No more dinners together. I’ll never see them ever again!

“NO!”

It was a lie. I am the son of the god of trickery, and I fell for a massive LIE?!

My parent’s love… is a…. lie. The island knows about me, and I’ve been… been victimized. Oh gods no, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods!

The grief is too much. I fall over onto the ground. Tears begin to fall. I was lied to, and I believed it. Me, a gullible, ignorant fool. I’ve been pouring out my heart to fake images that couldn’t give a crap about me. Of COURSE they don’t love me. Of COURSE. Kronos would laugh so hard. He told me this was my greatest weakness, this pathetic and senseless desire of mine to be loved. I am unlovable. I ought to have known I am unlovable. My heart is a joke to be laughed at and kicked around for fun. This is too much! I can NOT deal with this! I’ll go mad. My gods, I’m going to go mad, just like my mother! Is there a point coming where something just breaks in your head? Will you actually hear some kind of ‘pop’ in your head when it happens?
lightningthief: (Default)
Aphrodite being mad with me put a big damper on the fun I was having in Trixia's body. After the joke I pulled on her fell flat, I've been in a bad mood since. Now suddenly, I've woken up in my own body again. Mmm, at least Coraline's out of it now. Thank the gods for that. I am in all one piece too. I checked. No, I didn't trust she didn't do anything stupid or strange to me. Time to go back home.

Soooo..... even after being annoyed for a few days, I don't really know what to do about Aphrodite. If she's not speaking to me so soon after we started this dating thing... I don't even know if this was a good idea in the first place. This was probably a bit stupid to think I can make something like that work. Yes, I deeply desire to be loved. No, I have not ever been deeply loved. Therein lies the problem. I know my childhood fucked me up. It's just what I am now. When she doesn't want me around, then I guess that's that. Right? It wasn't like I'm going to replace her Hephaestus. I don't know how to function that way. What does she want with my bundle of issues, anyway? Maybe we were better off just banging each other without the complications.

Is my fatal flaw the opposite of Percy's? Disloyalty? My ability to suddenly walk away from all my ties?

I go in my hut, regardless of Percy being there or not, shower up, get dressed, then go out back. Maybe I'll oil my armor this morning. It's a good time killer.
lightningthief: (that tree icon thing...)
This whole amnesia thing has made me uncomfortable. I don't like the feeling of having to trust everyone around me about all of these things I'm going to do, and about this life I've supposedly led here. So, I'm going to turn a one-eighty and suddenly kill Kronos by sacrificing myself. I believe that. As much as I want to smash Olympus, I hate Kronos more. I just never thought I'd have the will to overcome him. I still don't completely understand that. What also burns me is that Olympus, once again, gets a free pass. When all is said and done, they get away with everything, and what happened to me will continue happening for centuries yet to come. But, at least I didn't leave the world worse off.

Ever since that first day, I haven't wanted to talk about things back home. I haven't been all that talkative period. I'm having such a hard time dealing with all this. I'm going to believe what all of the people around me are telling me, but I'm not about to open up to any of them. So, most of my time has been hiking around the island, watching television in the rec center, and just doing chores and sword practice. Aphrodite keeps asking me to stop by, so I have a few times. I think there's more between us she isn't telling me. I suspected that from the first day. I just wish I could remember on my own!

Today is another one of the times she's pinned me down for a visit, so here I am. I casually rap my knuckles against the door to knock as I look out across this weird island.
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